Here are some jokes that had me rolling on the floor with laughter... bit adult but I think the readers (if any!) have already been warned of the probable adult content on my blog...
Talking Italian
A bus in Japan stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi...''
Viagra Robbery
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!
Glazed over
A cop pulls over a guy. "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" "Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"
Wrestlemania
Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Chicken & Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
Ex-Lax, Don't Do It
Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
Not-So-Dumb Blonde
One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.
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